What do you want from a love relationship?
I have the privilege of meeting quite a few brilliant people. Through conversations with them, I am able to express some of my most complicated and important thoughts. Last month I was talking to Linda. She has a Ph.D. in Leadership and Organization and is an educator and life coach and executive. And he has enormous experience as a professional, especially at a high level.
On that particular day, she and I were talking about relationships. She asked me what I wanted from a woman. After I responded, he thought the conversation was worth sharing with others who are struggling to make relationships work. Part of the conversation went like this:
Ted: In an intimate relationship, a woman should simply give a man what he wants. If she gives him what he wants, the relationship will most likely work.
pretty: And the woman? What about the man who gives you what you want? Sometimes it is difficult to communicate what a woman wants from a man without him feeling that he wants to be in control of the relationship, because there is no one-size-fits-all.
Ted: The same applies. The man should give him what he wants. That works if people tell each other what they want up front. That means you talk about what you expect and want from a relationship. If a woman tells me what she wants up front, I can let her know if I can give it to her. If I can’t, I’d rather say it up front, instead of her getting mad that she’s not getting what she needs. If she lets me know, I can say no, I can’t give you that. Or I can say that I am not willing to give you that. If I can give it to her, I’ll know what I’m getting into, instead of her being resentful because she thinks she’s meeting my needs and hers aren’t being met.
pretty: Well, of course, that’s good communication.
Ted: If it is. Except many women believe that a man is supposed to magically know what she wants. She equates his concern about knowing what she wants without her having to tell him anything. I’ve heard women say that it’s a man’s job to know and that she shouldn’t have to tell him. If he doesn’t know, she may believe that he’s not really interested in her. Or you are not paying attention to it. That is not a relationship. That’s a babysitting job.
At the same time, I have also seen women say that they only want sex from a man. After meeting the boy, they like him. They then claim that the rules have changed because feelings are involved. That can be tricky.
It’s best if you don’t judge the person just as worthy of having sex. When you do that, you present yourself as superficial. Later, when you change your mind, the person may still see you as superficial. Presenting yourself as shallow is one way to sell yourself short. Furthermore, it also shows that you have poor judgment. People with poor judgment are not always suitable partners.
While I understand that most people don’t know what they want, it’s more powerful to say that up front. Instead, I have seen women who do not know what they want. However, they pretend they do. That can be exhausting because you are playing trial and error while walking in the dark. If you tell me you don’t know what you want, I may still be interested. I will know how to be patient. If you think about it, it’s fair to say that most people have some idea of what they want. They may be afraid to ask for it because they don’t think they will get it.
pretty: So what do you want from a woman, Ted? Because each woman can be different depending on so many things, variables, … whatever and it could be the same person with a different story.
Ted: In the simplest way to express what I want, I would say three words: love, affection and recognition.
Recognition
By recognition, I am saying that I want to be recognized first as a human being. One way to recognize myself as a human is to honor myself for making an intelligent contribution. That requires having conversations with me. Tell me about who you are and what you want out of life. In addition, it requires listening. That means you listen to what I have to say without interrupting me because you think what you have to say is more important than what I am saying.
Furthermore, it requires the recognition of my ambitions. If you don’t understand them, don’t dismiss them. Ask questions.
Also, whether it’s professional, personal, or a hobby, don’t rely on outsiders for advice on my intentions. Come see me and talk about it. If you don’t like what I say, tell me why. Before you get mad, hear where I’m coming from. Just because you don’t like or understand it doesn’t justify being angry or dismissive. Learn to recognize my intelligence and understand how I think. An outsider cannot help you with that. Going to someone else, instead of talking to me, is a way of not recognizing myself.
After explaining more about recognition, I moved on to talking about what I meant by love and affection. Needless to say, she found the conversation quite revealing.