The Tao of kisses
Do you remember your first kiss? Do. It was a stolen kiss in a barn. I was 13 years old and I was so absorbed that I froze. Forty years later, I vividly remember the sweet and gentle sensation mixed with the new emotion.
Sometimes we forget how important a kiss can be. We grow up, we get jobs, we have responsibilities, and we lose that connection. We take for granted the soft, sensual intimacy of a kiss that compels us to want more, reminding us that we are alive.
A couple recently went to sex therapy and, after four years of marriage, had lost interest in sex and kissing. They loved each other, wanted to be together, and were raising a little boy. When I asked about their sexual habits, I learned that they initiated sex with one or the other by saying, “We should probably have sex tonight.” When asked about kissing, they just looked at me like I was some crazy therapist. It wasn’t something they were involved in to enhance their sexual experience or their lives together.
Kissing has a science behind it. When we kiss someone, a surge of oxytocin is released in our brain. This hormone is essential for our bond and attachment to another human being. Its release makes us feel wonderful, secure, and deeply connected to our lover. It creates an impressive intimacy between the two of you. This deep connection is probably why no video time is wasted kissing in porn. Kissing not only generates sexual excitement, but also euphoria. Yes, euphoria! So why, after a couple of months or years together, do we forget to kiss our partner in that way that drives them crazy?
Kissing also has an evolutionary history. Some believe that it was produced to ensure the continuity of the species. The mothers chewed their food into small pieces and fed it to their babies, mouth to mouth. Another theory is that kissing was a way for women to test the future father of their children. Some even say that kissing began as a way to pass germs to a woman before she became pregnant in order to build her immunity.
But I don’t think scientists or historians have the full picture of kissing. How can a scientific model explain the level of intimacy when two people decide to get so close that their lips brush? And how can a historian really explain the emotional surge that accompanies the tingling that begins in the hundreds of nerve endings housed in the lips and runs throughout the body?
They do not understand the meaning of a simple kiss. A kiss is not just a kiss. It can make or break a relationship and/or a sexual encounter. Think of Snow White’s kiss with the prince or the story of the princess and the frog. These kisses were more than just a meeting of lips. They symbolized a rebirth, a transformation. Eve Glicksman says: “Ancient lovers believed that a kiss would literally join their souls, because the spirit was said to be carried on the breath.”
no matter the movie east of eden, The notebookPrayed Secret in the mountain, we all remember the scene that attracts us and ignites something inside us. The connection between the characters and their longing for each other heightens our anticipation of the kiss.
A single kiss can mean so many things: a greeting, a farewell, a love, but what really attracts us is the longing for another, the promise of a sweet delivery to come. Or maybe it is the breath of life, letting us know that we are vibrant and alive. It is part of the human experience. As Shelley said, “Soul meets soul on the lips of lovers.”
So how can you become a better kisser? Maintaining good oral health, using lip balm, making eye contact with your partner, leaning closer and nodding your head are all things that will help you plant one in your lover. Beyond that, it’s important to maintain a sense of being in the moment. What makes a kiss special is what it says right then and there, solely between those two people. The best thing about kissing is the experience of being mindful with all your attention on your partner and their attention on you.
So go ahead and give your partner a delicious mouth-to-mouth kiss tonight. It may not be your first kiss, but it may be your best.