Get what you want by being assertive

How many times have you walked away from a meeting or a negotiation regretting that you didn’t get everything you thought you deserved?

Perhaps you agreed to take on additional work or responsibility because you couldn’t say No. maybe you felt Unworthy to press for their interests. Or maybe you just didn’t dare ask for what you wanted.

Have you ever wondered why some people always seem to get what they want and others rarely? You are not alone. Most of us feel that we deserve more than what we receive at one time or another.

But we cannot deny that some people consequently get your fair share, or more. How they did it? The answer is that they know how to assert themselves.

Assertiveness is one of the most important life skills you could have. Think of all the extraordinary people you know or have heard of, whether in business or government. Think of all the top CEOs, the most successful entrepreneurs, and the most important political leaders. Can you think of just one that is not assertive? Probably not. Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton are all assertive.

The fact is that almost anyone who reaches a significant level of success or greatness is assertive; you just don’t get to the top if you’re not assertive.

Mother Teresa was one of the kindest and most caring people of the last century. But she was not easy prey. In fact, she was very bold in asking for charitable contributions and political assistance from the high and mighty. Yes, she was soft and kind, saintly even, but also assertive.

Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. were noted for their notable achievements, most notable for their explicit rejection of violence. Were they meek or passive? Certainly not. They were assertive and did not hesitate to ask, even demand, what they and their people clearly deserved. They defended themselves and many others, and made a difference in world history.

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for oneself, without stepping on the toes of others. It is the ability to express yourself in a clear, direct, specific and considered way. It means confidently saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It is the happy medium between passive and aggressive. Passive people are often reluctant to express their interests. Aggressive people don’t have that problem, but they are inconsiderate of others.

Assertiveness allows you to ask for what you want, say no when you want, and get more out of all areas of your life. It will help you at work: you will get more raises, promotions and good assignments, without being taken advantage of. It will help you socially as people respond to you more positively. It will help you communicate more effectively with family and friends. And it will help you manage and resolve conflict situations before they escalate, both on and off the job.

Assertive people have positive self-esteem. They love and value themselves. They are in control of their lives. They have satisfying relationships based on open communication and mutual respect.

Assertive people express their feelings honestly and without blame. They take responsibility for their feelings; they do not blame others or make excuses. They defend themselves, exercising their rights while recognizing the rights of others.

Assertive people are able to look a person in the eye and in a firm but non-threatening tone, let’s say Yes Prayed No– They are not stepped on or taken advantage of. Assertiveness, not passivity or aggression, is the way to win-win results.

The above characteristics are signs of a healthy, confident and well-adjusted personality. There is not a single undesirable or negative quality on the list. However, studies show that only five to twenty percent of the population is assertive!

People are not born assertive. Like any other critical life skill, assertiveness is a learnable strategy. Some people learn it early. By the time they are in preschool, they have learned how to get the toys they want to play with. As they grow older, they use the same strategies to get the jobs they want, the raises and promotions they want, and all the opportunities they want.

Other people don’t learn to be assertive until much later in life. Here are three steps you can take to become more assertive.

Eliminate unassertive behaviors

The first step in becoming more assertive is to eliminate non-assertive behaviors, gestures, and speech patterns (both passive and aggressive).

Avoid passive behaviors such as avoiding eye contact, slouching, speaking too softly, being indecisive, or downplaying your own needs and wants.

Weak mannerisms suggest a passive personality. Avoid passive gestures such as flattering, scratching, fidgeting, preening, and putting your hands in your pockets.

Finally, avoid passive speech patterns, such as rambling or uncertain statements, frequent justifications or apologies, and put-downs.

Act like you’re assertive

The best way to act assertive is to think of someone you know who is assertive and do what he or she does.

Or, you can imagine are assertive and act the way you imagine you would act. How would you stand? How would you move? How would you speak? What gestures would you use?

Adopt assertive behaviors such as maintaining good posture, looking people in the eye, moving with confidence and purpose, and being decisive.

Speak confidently and at a relaxed pace, express your needs clearly and directly, and be considerate of others.

Preparation of assertive statements

We’ve looked at two ways to become more assertive: eliminate unassertive behaviors and speech patterns, and act as if you’re assertive. The third way is to learn to make assertive statements.

When someone says or does something that offends us, we can respond in three ways. We can choose to be passive about it, allowing the situation to continue because we don’t feel comfortable confronting the other person, while building up resentment.

Or we may respond aggressively, verbally or physically attacking the other person. This will escalate the conflict and greatly reduce the chance of amicable resolution.

Neither of these options is good for the relationship. We can also choose a third option: affirmation. The assertive option allows communication to solve the problem while maintaining the relationship.

A simple and effective way to assert yourself is by using this three-step formula:

1. offer a nonjudgmental description of the offending behavior

2. express your feelings

3. describe the consequences of the behavior

“When you ___(1)___I feel ___(two)___because ___(3)___”.

Following this three-step formula is the easiest way to craft an assertive statement. With practice, you will be able to modify it to sound more natural. After all, not everyone speaks the same way. The important thing is to cover all three steps.

Avoid describing behaviors and feelings in value-laden terms. Certain descriptions are more emotionally charged than others and make logical discussion less likely.

For example: “When you smoke, I feel victimized because it makes it hard for me to breathe.” This makes the smoker sound like a villain, when he may not have meant anything bad.

Compare this with “When you smoke, it’s annoying Y inconsiderate because it affects my breathing.” Here, the speaker does not express his feelings, but accuses the smoker of being annoying and inconsiderate. This may not be true, and can be interpreted as a personal attack by the speaker. It would be quite natural for the smoker to become defensive, deny the speaker’s characterization of him, and respond with an attack of his own.

On the other hand, consider this example: “When you smoke, I feel upset because it affects my breathing.

The smoker is doing something objectionable, but he is not being made to seem like a bad guy and is less likely to be offended. He is simply expressing his true feelings, without judging the smoker’s motives or values. No one can deny your feelings.

This gives the offending party a reason to change their behavior. Most people are reasonable and will adjust to you once they realize the effect their behavior has on you.

Once you learn how to make assertive statements, you’ll be able to confidently handle situations you used to shy away from. People will respond favorably to you. You can ask for what you want, and say no whenever you want.

Best of all, you will get what you want out of life!