Things I Learned from TV and Movies

When you talk on the phone, you don’t have to say goodbye. When you have all the information you want, just hang up. Even if the other person is your boss and he called you, and he’s not done talking, he’s fine, just hang up.

When you follow someone and you don’t want them to see you, you don’t have to hide. Park your car in plain sight about twenty feet from where they’re standing, and when they get out they won’t see you.

If someone shoots at you with a machine gun or high-powered rifle, you can hide behind a bush or an empty trash can and the bullets won’t penetrate. Alternatively, you can push someone in front of you (even a corpse) and that person will absorb the bullets, keeping you safe.

While hiding behind the empty trash can, if four people shoot you with machine guns and you only have one gun, you won’t get hurt. Wait for a pause in the shot, then jump up, close your eyes, and fire four quick shots. You will get them all.

A ninety pound woman, if she’s in shape, can kick a 300 pound thug.

The same ninety-pound woman will never break her nose or lose any teeth while rolling the dice.

When you defuse a bomb or other explosive device, and there is five minutes on the timer, go ahead and have a conversation with another person. Wait until the timer drops to 2 or 3 seconds before cutting that last wire.

When typing on a computer keyboard, type as fast as you like and don’t look at the keys, even while talking on the phone. You will never make a mistake or have to go back. This is especially important when time is short and you’re writing a complex hacking program or writing on a security video.

When you’re stealing data from someone else’s computer, the moment you log in you’ll see exactly the files you need, conveniently displayed, and the printer is always ready.

Hardly anyone in the movies uses Windows on their computers. Their screens are much prettier than Windows, but no one in the real world has ever seen them… yet the characters know exactly how they work.

In the movies, everyone uses Apple laptops.

If you’re on foot and someone is chasing you in a car, don’t run sideways to get out of their way. Instead, run down the middle of the street or alley to make it easier for them to hit you.

If you’re a cop and your suspect stumbles upon a dark building, follow him inside, but whatever you do, don’t turn on the lights. Turning on the lights might help you see him before he shoots you, and that would never work.

If you are hunting a suspect in a dark room with a gun and flashlight, be sure to hold the light directly in front of your body to give the suspect a clear target.

It only takes three or four minutes for two women in high heels to dig a six-foot-deep grave big enough to hold a coffin.

When digging up a casket in a municipal cemetery at night, turn on your car’s headlights so you can see what you’re doing. No one will notice or call the police.

If you hear an intruder in your home and find a broken window, don’t run out and call the police. Instead, proceed cautiously through the house (in the dark) and continually yell, “Is anyone there?” (Works even better with a British accent: “Is anyone theah?”)

When you have sex, you have to start outside the house or apartment. They first hit the door with their backs while kissing feverishly. Once inside the apartment, go to the bedroom and leave your clothes on the way. Go to bed ready for sex, but you don’t need to remove your underwear, it’s apparently possible to copulate while fully clothed below the waist.

If you’re a mature adult and something is bothering you, don’t handle it like an adult. Instead, sweep all the papers off your desk (including computers and other expensive hardware), flip the desk over, knock down book shelves, throw chairs out the window, and just throw a tantrum like any responsible adult would. . This sets a good example for children to follow. This is especially appropriate if you are an elected official.

If you need to whistle to get someone’s attention, it’s easy: just stick two fingers in your mouth and blow. The result will be a high-pitched, piercing whistle that will wake the dead. No practice required, anyone can do it.

If you’re ever at the scene of a plane crash, you don’t need to worry about fire. Despite the hundreds of tons of jet fuel that will be spilled, all you have to worry about is the dozen or so small campfires burning in isolated spots around the crash site. Plus, all the bodies will be intact, and you might even run into a survivor here and there, even if the plane crashes from 30,000 feet.

If you’re a computer geek and someone hacks into your mainframe from the outside, you won’t have any trouble fixing it because you can look at rapidly scrolling lines of binary and hexadecimal numbers and read them with no problem. You will have the problem solved in about thirty seconds.

If two or more men commit rape, they all laugh like hyenas all the time.

All the ancient Romans spoke with a British accent.

When a tire blows out, there is always a flash under the wheel well and a sound like a rifle shot.

If your house is on fire and the fire department is on its way, stay inside the burning house until they arrive, even if it takes an hour. It’s much more dramatic when you walk out the door with flames chasing you, or even if you’re on fire yourself, than it is to stand in the grass and wait for help.

In movies and television, it is possible to stand in pouring rain while the sun reflects off the metal surfaces around you.

When you park your car, you don’t need to lock it. When you get back, don’t bother checking the backseat for intruders. If someone with a club is waiting there to strangle you, you’d probably rather not know.

If the movies are accurate, no one but me eats dinner before 8pm. It’s usually even later, as the filmmakers pick up their dinner dates at eight and then head to a nice restaurant where they have reservations for ten.

If you ever have to remove a bullet from someone’s body, it’s important that when you retrieve the bullet, you drop it onto a metal plate from at least six inches, to get that satisfying “clunk” sound.

When you go after that bullet, you won’t have to dig very deep. Even if it is a 20mm round, it will lodge just under the skin where you can easily reach it.

Even in 2020, people who stay in hotels, when they watch television, they can only see old westerns from the 1950s shot in black and white, usually with Indians attacking wagons.

If you’re an overweight fifty-year-old cop wearing cowboy boots and find yourself chasing a six-foot-tall twenty-year-old suspect who runs like a deer, be sure to yell “Stop! Cop!” He won’t stop right away, but if you keep yelling as he fades into the distance, you might wear him down.

If you’re driving a car with a passenger in the front seat, feel free to maintain full eye contact while having a conversation with that person. No matter if you’re on a highway or a busy city street, you don’t need to keep your eyes on the road. Really, it’ll be fine, you won’t have an accident.

When the assassins are chasing you, make sure to run over the roughest terrain you can find, then keep looking over your shoulder so you can’t see where you’re going. That way, you’ll be sure to fall flat on your face a few times, just to keep things exciting.

If you have a really cool and fast sports car, like a Camaro or better, it’s important to get your wheels spinning every time you pull out of the driveway or parking lot. There is no particular reason for this, it is simply the right thing to do.

If you are a police officer driving a fast car and chasing a suspect, make sure to sneak in every time he turns a corner. It might make you lose a few seconds while you regain control, but it helps you catch the bad guy a little quicker.

If someone kidnaps your child and demands a ransom, they’ll probably call the FBI. They will install a telephone tracking equipment in your house to locate the kidnappers. Now, when the kidnappers call to tell you where to take the ransom, don’t answer right away. Let the phone ring fifteen or twenty times before answering. Thieves will never suspect that you’re holding out so the feds can start their hunt.

If you’re chasing a killer in a dark alley or warehouse, a stray cat will jump out of the shadows and scare you. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief, and that’s the exact moment the killer will jump out from behind you.

Police cars should always start, stop and go around a corner with screeching tires. It doesn’t help them catch thieves faster, but it’s great for the Goodyear bottom line. Buy shares in tire companies.

Security guards fall into two categories: 1) retired fat old men who always get hit in the head and die, or 2) police academy rejects who just can’t wait to shoot someone.

When chasing a suspect down the street, it is possible for a police officer to be hit by a speeding car, do several somersaults in the air, land on his feet, and continue the pursuit.

When cars fall off a cliff, they will always explode when they hit the bottom, and the explosion will happen inside the car.

If someone ever puts a bomb in your house or car, it will explode twenty-six times, allowing for some very interesting footage from twenty-six different directions.

It is now possible to pour gasoline over an entire floor, wait until the room is filled with explosive gases, and then light a match to threaten your hostages and the policeman who is there to arrest you. When the match burns down to your fingers, you can drop it without fear of gasoline fumes igniting.

Even if you shoot someone with an elephant gun, it will only put a small red hole in their forehead.

If you ever run from the police, the best way to escape is to drive the wrong way in rush hour traffic at 90 mph. It’s easy, just turn the steering wheel left and right and the other cars will move out of your way.

When you smoke a cigarette, take one or two puffs (but don’t inhale) and then put it out. If that doesn’t satisfy your craving, you can always light another one. After all, they only cost a dollar each.

When people in movies have cancer, they never lose weight. On the day they die, they are still robust and full-fleshed.

Fire victims in movies may have all their skin burned, but not their hair. They will type and scream in agony while perfectly coiffed.

People who live in Boston and New York have California accents.

If you walk into a room (or a jail cell) and find someone hanging from a ceiling lamp by a rope, you must not (and this is very important) leave the tray you are carrying. Even if the tray contains expensive glass cups or highly unstable nitroglycerin, you absolutely MUST throw it away and let the whole thing break. This is how you do it.

Churchgoers in the Old West only knew two hymns: Amazing Grace and Bringing In the Sheaves.

In the 24th century, when Starfleet rules the galaxy, everyone in France will speak with a Shakespearean accent.

People on TV hate being indoors. They constantly need to “get some air”.