15 ways to creatively and effectively apologize
Maintaining the relationship is often about apologizing. But what is an apology? Is it asking for forgiveness or admitting we were wrong, or doing what we did wrong again, or doing everything possible not to do it again, or is it seeking forgiveness?
Well, it depends on who we apologize to and the circumstances, but the following 15 tips are considerations for an acceptable apology.
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3 ways to express regret
1. Does our body language align with our words? Sincerity is important to express regret.
2. Sorry, why? The communication of our regret has to be meaningful. We need to make sure that our repentance is for the right reason. They may be asking, “Do you really understand?”
3. No goals or manipulation: Any expression of apology that quickly returns to what we want makes the apology useless. Saying I’m sorry must be unconditional – he said with pure intention.
3 ways to accept responsibility
4. The phenomenon of partial responsibility is evident in all relationships. Sometimes we do the wrong thing by reacting to someone who initially did something wrong. We had better accept responsibility for our portion of what fell short of the glory of God.
5. Accepting responsibility is easier when we admit that we make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. We will make mistakes. So why not admit them? The mature person does it; they honor the truth.
6. When we focus on what we could have done better and not what they should have done better, not only can we improve, relationally, but we exercise grace toward them.
3 ways to restore
7. Making amends has great power when we learn what they need. We can’t find out what they need without asking and engaging them. So what reconciles the relationship is the commitment to them initially and then the repair.
8. There is also a place to make the amendments in a special way without the prior knowledge of the other person, but we must hope that they do not receive it as we have planned to receive it.
9. Making amends has the best effect when we focus amendments on what is meaningful to the other person. Do you want to hear the words? Or is it a gift that they would like to receive? Or is it time we had to give them? Or do they need our help?
3 ways to genuinely regret
10. Some people just want to hear the words, “I don’t want to do this to you again.” Sometimes it is only the intention of repentance that is enough, as long as we are sincere and genuine.
11. Real change is about making small but significant changes in the way we relate to people. But to change we must be deliberate and intentional. Generally, a change plan is a good thing.
12. Repentance and forgiveness tend to work together. If we fail in our repentance, we must forgive ourselves so we can try again.
3 ways to ask for forgiveness
13. Forgiveness is about the actual recognition of restoration in the relationship. When we ask to be forgiven, we are asking that the board be erased. We are asking that the error or error not be imputed to us. We need to understand that it is a request and not a demand. It is up to them whether they will forgive or not. Because it is a request, we cannot blame it if they refuse to forgive. We have to accept it as it is.
14. Because it is a request, and we place our destiny in their hands, seeking forgiveness implies fear. We have to get over our fear before we ask. If we only ask, we will have overcome our fear.
15. Seeking forgiveness involves giving up control of the situation. Just for a moment we have to agree that giving up control is a worthy cost to the potential reconciliation of the relationship.
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Asking for forgiveness, accepting that we were wrong, doing things right again, accepting the change and seeking forgiveness: these are the bases of the apology.
© 2014 SJ Wickham.
Acknowledgment: Dr. Gary Chapman and his book The Five Languages of Apology. I have used Dr. Chapman’s five-point structure.