Survive loss and thrive again
None of us want to think about it, but the standard definition of a totally successful relationship is the old traditional “till death do us part.” Every time we love, whether it’s a life partner, a dear friend, a child, a sibling, a parent, or even a beloved pet, we risk losing that love.
When you’re happy with someone, you often don’t think about or fully realize your happiness. You can take her satisfaction for granted. You see the couples around you struggle, or even go through your own struggles, and you realize that you’re lucky to have a successful relationship, but you don’t dwell on it.
Then comes the tragic event, and the world is turned upside down. If it is a prolonged illness, the support system that used to be your partner is gone and you need to be the support system. All the little things you took for granted become crystal clear in their absence. If the death is sudden (i.e. car accident, brain aneurysm), you initially go into shock and go through the necessary horror: identifying the body, making funeral arrangements, notifying people, comforting family, friends, and children and the memorial itself, like a robot, mostly without feelings. Depending on the duration of an illness, you may also experience some of this during that period. It’s not until weeks or months after the burial that you really get to experience… Complaints.
Grievance is an organic process, it has its own wisdom and needs a witness. An understanding friend can be that witness. There is nothing you can do to make such a tragedy any less tragic, so the hurt, anger, and frustration you feel are normal reactions to the circumstances. So you go through the stages of grievance: shock, anger, searching, depression, and peace. It is normal to feel fear that this could happen again, anger that it has happened, need for prayer and comfort, episodes of being overwhelmed and thinking that it cannot continue, and finally acceptance and understanding that this devastating event is apart of life. risky that all humans carry. These feelings will come scrambled, they will be recycled and they will come in a different order.
Then, as the shock wears off and the permanence of the loss sets in, some people may feel a little relieved, some will get angry, some will pray or question God, and others will simply feel exhausted, disconnected, and overwhelmed. This jumble of feelings includes the phases of anger, searching, and depression.
• If you feel inspired to do something hopeful (eg, establish a memorial fund, pray, give blood, write letters), do it.
• If you feel low, feel it, it will pass and may indicate that you need to rest.
• If you feel like laughing, don’t worry, it’s a good way to handle tragedy. It often signifies the beginning of healing.
• If you feel angry, remember that anger is the hidden side of love, it is a
expression of the value you give to lost life, and very appropriate. But it will also come and go and fade over time.
• If you are afraid, of course you are. We are all programmed to want to live, and being so confronted with the fragility of life is terrifying. Yes, it could have been you, but humans are resilient and the fear will pass too.
• If you feel hopeless, it is because you are realizing that life is not under your control. This is when faith and belief in a higher purpose for life come in handy. If you haven’t discovered a belief in a higher purpose, this would be a good time to search. Talk to the clergy, read philosophy, meditate, pray and even read your fortune. All of these methods of trying to understand the ineffable are imperfect, but they can all help.
• If you need support for your own struggle with these issues, gather friends, family, and neighbors around you. We never need each other more than at times like this. We need to feel part of a larger and safer group. Although you may want solitude from time to time, to collect your thoughts, be careful not to isolate yourself too much.
• Going through the complaint process will take at least a year, maybe several. The first year is the hardest, because you find special days, birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries all over the calendar. Once you’ve survived each of these once, it gets a bit easier.
Eventually he will have survived and healed, and will be willing to take another chance. The promise of happiness is strong enough that the risk is worth it. You probably experience some guilt, but know that if your ex loved you, he or she would want you to be happy. This new relationship will feel even more precious than the old one, because you’ll know it’s not here forever. You will have a feeling of gratitude towards your previous partner, for the shared love and what he taught you that makes it possible to have this new love.