Chasing the shadow of pain
“Moving forward, or staying put, on a good tort is neither right nor wrong. It just is.”
Almost three decades, and still counting. Could we keep chasing the shadow of grievance? Or is the shadow of grievance a forever thing, one that will always be there no matter how hard we try to lose it?
I’m sure some friends and family are wondering why Gary and I are still engrossed in grief work. You may wonder why we still attend grievance conferences, facilitate grievance support groups, talk and write about grievances, and mingle with a group of friends who have the death of a significant loved one in common. Some may be so bold as to suggest that we should put our grievance behind us long ago and move on.
While attending a National Conference of Compassionate Friends, I thought of this. Why are Gary and I still so committed to remembering and honoring the loss of our son, Chad E. Zastrow? I decided to challenge myself to determine if it was possible to remember what grievance felt like in those early years. I also wanted to justify my tenacity for all the reasons we do what we do.
Many people believe that after a year or two has passed, grief also passes. They tend to think that bereaved people have put their emotions behind them and moved on to a normal life. To an outsider, this may seem true, but as most grieving people will testify, each day is an ongoing act of healing. We have a significant loss left, and although it may seem that we have returned to our previous activities, something has changed within us.
It is also true that many people manage to put their complaints behind them and return to their lives as they left them. They see no need to continue the persecution. Let’s be clear on one point: this is perfectly acceptable and normal. Personally, I have determined that I am simply not one of them.
For the group of people who, like me, continue to “chase the shadow”, this can also be perfectly acceptable and normal, as long as there is continuous movement and improvement and one doesn’t get stuck. By definition, we are not perpetual mourners. I believe that loss has touched our lives in a way that has changed us and challenged our deepest thoughts about the meaning and purpose of life. The sensitivity that remains after our losses continues to make us evaluate who we are and what we want. become as a result of this slower transformation.
Moving forward, or remaining suspended, in a good tort is neither good nor bad. It simply is. It becomes what it is because of personal experience. I think people respond to their grievance experience in one of two ways:
- hurt and go
- cry and grow
The mourners from “Grieve and Go”
With respect to a specific grievance experience, these afflicted choose to move on and accumulate the memory of their experience. (Note: a future experience may be different). This type of complaint is usually of shorter duration. This mourner accepts that death is a natural part of life and that there is no need to revisit the experience of loss, hold on to it, or even learn more from it. They have honored their relationship, said their goodbyes, shed their tears and deposited their memories. They keep with them the vivid memory of the person who died, and they appreciate good times and warm stories. Your loved one becomes a treasured memory stored in their hearts and minds. Everything about your response is normal and natural.
The mourners from “Grieve and Grow”
For those who are grieving and growing, a specific death experience has touched their lives in extraordinary ways. The person who died has connected with their souls spiritually. The bereaved person carefully dissects every emotion and life change that results from the death. They often reflect on their personal relationship with the person who died and gain important clues about their lives and their destinies. They are ready to accept death only when they have processed the events of this life and are fully ready to say goodbye. Then, they stop intensely grieving, but begin a different kind of transformation. They want the life of the person who died to mean something of value to others and/or to themselves. They engage and challenge each other. Grieving and Growing Bereaved often embrace causes, advocate for survivors, create legacies, accomplish great deeds through physical or mental challenges, and/or succeed in careers that require compassion, sensitivity, and community. This becomes their reality as long as it is satisfying and necessary for them. Everything about your response is also normal and natural.
Grieve and walk away, or grieve and grow? Either response is just a way of being that evolves from your experiences, but this response may differ from loss to loss. People with any kind of answer understand their travels. Both experience the process; both remember the experience, but each chooses a different way to respond to a particular loss.
Gary and I definitely adopted the “sad and grow” response after the death of our son, Chad, as a result of a suicide in 1993. We responded to his death differently than other losses or sudden deaths in our lives. Every loss we had faced before this (and some since) was undeniably grieved and we left. None affected us or changed our lives as much as Chad’s death.
Sitting in a workshop at the conference, I recognized that although I am a seasoned mourner, I had something in common with everyone in that room. I think most of those present suffered as much as I did. I personally spoke to people whose losses ranged from three months to twenty-nine years. And, the longer the period of time, the greater the chance that they, too, will respond by grieving and growing.
So are we collectively chasing the shadow of grievance? Call it what you want, I don’t think so chasing the shadow it is a negative response to injury. Fortunately, there are a number of bereaved people who can resume their lives in a reasonably normal way. And for those of us who follow the path there are reasons in each of our stories.
I think I keep chasing the shadow of grievance, not because it’s right or wrong, but simply because it’s what happened to me.
These are the reasons why I suffer and grow…
FRIENDS: For those I have met and for those I still have to meet along the way. These friends are unpretentious, have no other agendas, and are genuine from the bottom of their hearts. They have loved and lost. They are moved by their experiences.
EMOTION: I can still remember the early days and years like they were yesterday. I am grateful for the compassion I have learned from my emotions, so that I can still sympathize with the newly afflicted and bear witness to the fact that life gets better again, one day. Now, my emotions are not as fragile as then; the pain heals and becomes bearable with time.
EDUCATION: My grieving friends have taught me about their losses and that makes mine easier to accept. I also rejoice in the incredible and rewarding lessons I have learned from all the professionals who have given me the privilege of continuing to learn from them.
DREAM LOSS: When I worry about the loss of my dreams (marriage, grandchildren, achievements) that were once so important to me, I’ve learned that “life assumptions” are not valid. Life is fragile and unpredictable. I trust to build new dreams and find happiness on alternate paths.
COMMITMENT: I pledge to honor my child’s memory in a positive way. Suicide has always had the word “taboo” written all over it, so when Chad died, he wanted to influence people and let them know that bad things happen to good people.
COMPLAINTS WORK: I knew that my grievance work would continue for years and that it would give me the opportunity to experience everything I needed to feel. Grievance is a continuous act of healing.
EXPRESSION: I have found a way to use my desire to write and express the sacred thoughts in my heart by sharing them with others.
CAUSE: I will continue the ministry of at that has come from the stinging pain that did not heal.
SPIRIT: I am committed to the knowledge and confirmation of something much larger than the human experience and the wisdom to put my trust in the promise of the next world.
ASSIGNMENT: God gave me this mission, not to save the world, but to preserve myself. I think to be better instead of bitter. In the process, I discovered that helping others is the greatest reward that comes from saving myself.
LEGACY: My writing and work to create a legacy of love, not about how Chad died, but how he lived, has confirmed the fact that there are often no answers to “Why?”
MYSTERY: I am always amazed at the surprises that unfold when I am exactly where I need to be at the exact moment I need to be there. Now, I look for the “ah-ha” moments.
SEARCH for MEANING: As I continue to search for who I am now (after the loss), I prove to myself that I can be more than I ever was before. This search gives meaning and purpose to my life.
LOST: I always try to remember that I am and always will be a grieving parent who feels honest emotions of loss and hurt.
EXPECT: I believe that life and love continue beyond death.
No matter how you look at it, we all chase the shadow of grievance, sometimes for a short time; sometimes for much longer. We chase it as long as it takes; we chase it to understand. We may never reach it. It can fascinate us or consume us. And ultimately it can challenge our lives temporarily or change them forever.